Trust me, there's no such thing as Sharktopus!

Oh really? Just how dumb do you think I am? Do you think I don't watch TV? OF COURSE there is a Sharktopus! I am right in the middle of watching this badass creature do some serious damage. The title of this post? Yeah, it was said right before a sharktopus reached up and grabbed a man off the side of a boat, squeezed the guts out of him and ATE him. So, there's that. I never thought of octopuses as being that aggressive, but when you've got eight massive tentacles on a shark hell-bent on a murderous rampage, you have yourself a killing machine!

Eric Roberts somehow found himself the star of this awesome Syfy original, and he is a very, very bad man. Mr. Roberts has a way about him and I just tend to believe he didn't even know he was being filmed. Something was awfully fishy about this whole "movie." He has been taking money from the government and using it to "tweak" the animal his daughter (who looks nothing like Emma) worked so very, very (yes, there are a lot of very verys here ... lots) hard to create. And did he tell her he manipulated her genetic-y stuff? Nooooo. Why would he do that? Poor sharktopus, probably a real love at heart, was made into a monster by her loving father. Daughter must have had an English mother, because although she was American, she had one hell of an accent. She tried really hard to sound American, so I figure her school friends must have made fun of her and her funny accent.

Anywho ... sharktopus really WAS a nice shark ... err ... octopus ... critter. In the first scene, when he was still wearing this mouth brace thingy and responding to commands from Ms. English Daughter Scientist Girl, he pulled back and saved a chick from a regular shark when he could have had a nice, tasty bikinied treat in his grasp. How nice is that? Everything went awry when he shook off his mouth guard. I have no idea how they got film of all of these people being killed by a sharktopus, of all things, but they did!

This really unattractive girl (who had a boyfriend -- oh really??) was afraid of heights, but her boyfriend made her bungie jump over the ocean. She loved it so much she did it TWICE. Well, doncha know, second time that blasted sharktopus just jumped and ate her right up. I saw it -- live! OMG. He was apparently so turned on that he tried to eat a Volkswagon off the cliff by pulling it down with his tentacles! That's what makes sharktopus so deadly. Dude can walk, climb, grab, chew and even growl. Growl!

OK, OK. I know. There is no such thing as a sharktopus. But, there really should be. There is no reason I can think of that all of these vacationers should get to spend their hard earned money and have a good time when I don't. I love that in spite of the recent resurgence of his career, Eric Roberts still gives it his all for a good B movie. I love that Syfy has not given up the ghost amid the naysayers who said Syfy, um, jumped the sharktopus by keeping the cheese alive. Growing up with Saturday and Sunday afternoon creature features made for some great memories. If I had kids, I'd make them watch Syfy with me all weekend. If nothing else, they'd learn respect for the unknown and would be scared as hell to do anything they shouldn't. Those naughty kids always get eaten in the end. Booyaa!